Talking to Your Children About Online Pornography

We are living in a world where technology sometimes moves faster than childhood development does. Unfortunately, kids are exposed to inappropriate material through the internet, on cell phones, and in video games and movies. The following is a situation I recently dealt with. The names have been changed and those involved have given me their permission (and approval) to share this story with you.

A few weeks ago I received a distressing phone call from the mother of a former student I had worked with. She wanted to schedule an appointment for her seven year old son and her husband because her son (the youngest of three children) had been upset about something and wouldn’t talk about it. He had come home from a play date at a friend’s house upset and clearly had been crying but wouldn’t say anything despite pleading, urging, and mild threats from his parents. Eventually he blurted out “well, I guess I want to be gay!” His parents had initially laughed and being the great parents they are, asked him why he suddenly came to this conclusion. Unbeknownst to me, the child’s oldest brother, who had formerly been my patient, had shared with his parents that he indeed felt that he was gay, and that, despite his athletic prowess and girlfriend/best-friend, that this was what he felt comfortable with. Mom and dad assumed that Tyler had heard some of this or somehow gotten the information and for some reason wanted to be like his big brother. They weren’t sure how to approach the subject with a first-grader, so they came to me. “Well, I guess it’s time for a visit with Dr Fred” his dad told him. In response Tyler asked “will he make it ok for me to be gay?” at which his parents laughed, reassuring him that “Dr Fred won’t try to make you anything. He just helps kids and moms and dads figure things out sometimes.”

After meeting briefly with the parents Tyler and I met and we began to talk and draw using colored markers. As we talked and drew, I asked him about what he had said to his parents and what he thought being gay meant. His response was “it means you don’t like girls because you think they’re gross!” Working hard to maintain my professional composure and not smile at his earnest declaration, I questioned him further: “Why would you think that girls are gross? Did someone say or do something that upset you?” He became very quiet and I feared the worst. I said “if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s ok, but would you feel better drawing about it?” He nodded, and took a fresh sheet of paper and started to draw some stick figures. As he continued in silence, he began drawing very large breasts on two of the figures, and then started to add other anatomically accurate details. I commented on this: “it looks like you are drawing ladies! Where are their bathing suits?” He looked up from his drawing nervously and said “they’re grown up girls because girls grow up to be ladies.” Then the tears came, he shared that he “tried to be brave” but had become upset and then had gotten in trouble at his friend’s house because his friend was using a sibling’s computer and they were playing online on Webkins, a children’s play site. Well, from there, the friend went out of his account and started browsing the internet, ending up at boobs.com. Tyler said he “knew (his friend) shouldn’t go there” but they were laughing and having fun. From there it got worse, as they saw links to other adult sites that were disturbing. They got caught by a housekeeper who yelled at them and made them turn off the computer. I asked him if it was ok if we had mom and dad come back in to tell them what happened.

With a look of dread on their faces, mom and dad eagerly came back in and sat down. Tyler had asked me not to show them the picture he drew, because he thought it was “not a polite picture” but agreed to tell them what really happened. We decided that “gay” was a word that sometimes kids use when they don’t really mean it. Tyler was (at seven years old!) well aware of the difference between the two ways kids and teens use the word “gay.” We talked about how gay did kind of mean what he thought; not that girls were gross and that you didn’t like them, but that you liked them in a different way, like you like your friends. Then we got down to sharing with mom and dad what had happened at his friend’s house. Tyler told his parents that then they saw other pictures that were not so funny, but was worried that he would get in trouble. He thought that if he told his parents he was gay, that he wouldn’t get in trouble and they would know that he wasn’t the one who had gone to boobs.com. We ended up laughing about it and Tyler said that he was glad he wasn’t going to have to be gay because his “girlfriend” gave him a valentine and said she would invite him to her birthday party.

This was a great learning opportunity for Tyler’s parents, as they had to tackle two tough issues at the same time. They ended up having a conversation with Tyler about what was acceptable online and what wasn’t, being careful not to blame him. Mom and dad talked with him about adult pictures and pornography, telling him that these were not healthy things for children. Mom and dad said they cared about his heart and his mind and that because they love him, they want to protect him from things that could hurt him. They shared that he needed to be careful about what he looked at online, especially at a friend’s house since their home computer was in a central location and Tyler had limited access to only a few sites. Tyler’s parents handled the situation extremely well and were honest and candid with him to the degree that it was appropriate for his age and the situation. I asked if I could share this story with others if I changed names and some minor details, and they wholeheartedly agreed, saying that they hope their experience could help others.

Talking to kids about internet safety and about online pornography is important for parents to do, given the accessibility of adult-oriented websites, spam emails, pop-up advertisements, and malicious emails or friend invites that redirect browsers to adult sites. It is important that parents don’t shy away from addressing these issues with children in the context of online safety. There are resources online that can help parents decide what is appropriate for children at a particular age such as Theporntalk.com that can help parents with the anxiety that comes with addressing this issue.